Sunday, 12 August 2012

Life journey - childhood issues and dealing with them

There's no doubt at all that your childhood has a large effect on you. Yes, you change when you become an adult, and I have certainly changed a lot in the last few years. But childhood is the time when a lot of subconscious mental 'programming' takes place and it's fair to say that some childhood experiences can scar you for life.

I have been through far worse times in 2001 and 2006 (when I had the two breakdowns) than I ever did as a child. Yet, the issues that affect me the most nowadays are pretty much issues that can be traced back to childhood. Having a huge deficiency of friendships and acceptance as a child, coupled with being, as one of my teachers said 'in a world of his own', left me with a crippling fear of rejection, which I have never truly overcome. And maybe this fear will be with me for the rest of my life, to an extent. And the price to pay for this as a man is very big, certainly in terms of relationships. The one thing I am grateful for is that at least there is no chance that I will ever be in an abusive relationship, like what happens to some women.

I am quite a passive person and can also be quite lazy as well, so motivating myself to change things is not always something that comes naturally to me. I don't think it is possible for all your childhood issues to magically disappear - it must take a hell of a lot of hard work to overcome them. For me, I do have to keep a guard on my mental health, which I do a good job with most of the time. Sometimes, I do protect myself from being hurt, because, as a very sensitive person, I feel things very deeply, on an automatic and subconscious level - and I don't want to end up saying or doing something I regret. I have to tread carefully and walk slowly. Hopefully, I am or soon will be ready to face some of the demons.

I feel a little stuck and lethargic right now, and I hate that. I expect many of you can relate. No-one likes to feel like their life is not going anywhere. Whilst a part of me desperately wants the relationship, friendship and money issues to be solved, another part of me is scared and wants to stay in the 'comfort zone', because it's safe. It's called internal conflict. There are times when I feel good, times when I feel okay, times when I feel shit.  The only thing I can really do is to try and stay heart centred as much as possible. My mind does not stop most of the time, so it's a challenge.

In times when you feel stuck, it can be frustrating, with the uncertainty of it all. Can I live with this? Well I'm doing my best. I am grateful for all the inspirational sites and Facebook pages which have helped me - and also to the people that do the meditations at The Happiness Centre and Physis Health and Well Being - I am conveniently located halfway between these two wonderful places which I'm grateful for. I am grateful that I am able to write about these things, which for me is far easier than talking to someone about it. And I am grateful that I can keep going and am better equipped to face the pitfalls of life that we all face, than I used to be.

Many blessings,

Andy

Photo taken from Juicing Vegetables Facebook page via soulwritings.wordpress.com. Not sure who the original photo is attributable to - please contact me if you wish me to remove it.

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