Saturday, 22 June 2013

Time to allow in the new .. my struggles in the relationship department

Hey guys, so we've just had the summer solstice and a full moon is coming up. It's time for me to post about something that is fairly personal, that I've posted about in the past, although maybe in not so much detail.

A lot of us have a particular weakness or life issue which has caused a lot of pain. For some it may be alcohol, or drugs. For some it may be porn. Some people may have been abused or had extremely difficult family relationships. These things can have a significant impact on a person's life and can become a big part of their identity.



For me, my big struggle has been in the area of relationships. I feel like the Universe has screwed me badly on this one. It's as if almost everyone was born with the ability to form relationships and close friendships, but I was born without a clue. I certainly had no idea during my childhood. I then turned to Christianity which helped me to talk to people a bit more, but never fully addressed the root of some of my confidence issues. I now realise just how insecure I was when I was a Christian. When I came out of Christianity, I was in my early 30s, never had a relationship to speak of .. and I wanted to do something about it. Since then, I've had to face a few things and I now realise a bit more, some of the things that have been holding me back. But it's been a long journey and certainly has not been easy at times. Whilst I am able to live in a reasonable state of mental health most of the time, this particular issue can hurt at times.



So how do I feel?

Countless times, I have read something along the lines of 'You must love yourself first', 'Don't seek for happiness outside yourself', 'Be happy single' etc. I totally get this, and it is true. But at the same time, when you feel incapable of finding a relationship, it can be hard. I certainly wouldn't wish this on anyone. The pain of being single for so long is there, sometimes. Sometimes I can feel needy. We all know that neediness is not an attractive quality. I feel like I've tried everything under the sun to heal this issue. It's not a widely acknowledged problem - I honestly don't know how many people have real struggles in this area, but it often seems that most people don't. It's particularly costly for a man in some ways. Men have often been expected to make the first move, and as someone who has had less confidence than most women for much of my life, I have really struggled with this. Therapy might help but the therapy I would want would cost me more than what I am comfortable with at the moment - especially whilst I'm on benefits.

Surrender and let go

I have also read countless times something along the lines of 'When you stop looking/longing for the right relationship, the relationship will find you'. I must admit, my ego struggles to believe this. Maybe due to my past programming. I have thoughts that if I surrender, I will still have to wait until I'm 50 for the relationship to come along. And also I don't feel like I have any idea how to form a relationship. Surrender and acceptance go hand in hand. I think letting go, also means letting go of the worries about the future that I have. Easier said than done.
Most of us have an innate desire for intimacy with another human being. I have not had this intimacy, and I feel like a part of me has either been lost or not been fulfilled because of this. I guess surrender is just allowing all the feelings to be felt and acknowledging where I'm at now.
Photo courtesy of chopra.com

A message from a meditation

Yesterday, I did this opening your heart meditation done by the wonderful Lilou Mace, who I think has also had her struggles with relationships in the past. So I'm in good company. Part way through the meditation, we were asked what message our heart was telling us. I think, the message I got was something along the lines of 'allow the pain to be felt' - which ties in with messages I've previously had. I was never able to properly feel the emotions I've had due to this issue, and maybe now is the time to do so. Sure, my ego is impatient and would love a quick fix. But trying to fix things too quickly or resisting what is, does not work.

The push-pull


Often we can be in conflict with our desires. Part of us wants something, part of us doesn't. Whilst most single people will probably say that they want to be in a relationship, there is usually something that holds them back. I know part of me is fearful of intimacy. Partly because it's the unknown for me, and the unknown is always scary .. and there are also other reasons. Again, these are parts of myself that I need to accept rather than resist.
Photo courtesy of coerzion2013.com

Where to go from here? 

I don't want to write a post like this without giving myself some hope (or indeed hope to anyone else who might be in a similar situation). This is an issue which is taking a long time to resolve, and I still have some healing to do. I hope that my experiences can help others.

It's not always easy to love yourself, and this is probably an area where I have more self hate than any other. What man would not find it hard in these circumstances. Acceptance is the first step. Acknowledging and owning every part of me, every bit of pain. As I've already talked about, ALLOWING my heart to express how it feels is important.

Taking small steps

With a problem like this, baby steps really are important. Smiling at people, working on my self-belief. I'm receiving some healing at present and I think that will help. Sometimes, when you have been stuck in a rut for so long, it can be hard to see a way out. Sometimes deep down I feel I don't deserve a relationship, or even think that the Universe doesn't want me to experience love. I have my down days, that is inevitable. It would be nice if I could 'positive think' my way out of this, start with a clean state and know how lovable I am on a daily basis .. but it just doesn't work like that.

I feel like I'm on a bit of a roll with this and I think I might do another post on this subject soon about the causes and symptoms of it. I think that truly acknowledging how I feel is a good first step, though.

Love and blessings
Andy

3 comments:

  1. Andy it is really great your sharing about this, it is very brave. A lot of people are probably in the same place as you but fearful of sharing. I can imagine it is really hard to experience I applaud you for being so very aware. hugs I know you will move through this and be a guiding force on this in the future for others x

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  2. Thanks Kelly, I feel better for having posted it :)

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  3. Wow, what a blog post and I am FULL of admiration. When we met earlier today, I hadn't read it but all makes complete sense now!! Very brave and completely from the heart, and what a heart you have. I believe many people do experience problems with relationships, myself included. However, in my past it has been in other direction with me, if you know what I mean. It was only when I met my current partner that with his help I was able to open myself up, accept and feel worthy of his love for me. I applaud you for focusing some of your attention to this Andy, you are too special a person not to be with and complimented by another. Much love xx

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