Saturday, 12 October 2013

It takes time

Photo by BTP Arms - maybe says a little about our quick fix culture
I am generally not a believer in quick fixes. They can sometimes happen. Some well known spiritual authors, such as Byron Katie and Eckhart Tolle, had practically an overnight awakening. In my case, after going through a hellish time in 2006 after my exit from Christianity, I had practically an overnight recovery and in fact my life got better than it had ever been, although that particular situation was a bit different from the norm.

But I have found that when it comes to situations that are a bit more deep rooted, it takes a heck of a while to work through them. We all have our own different things to work through and our own stories. On a side note, it's important to use our stories to heal ourselves and others rather than using them to feel sorry for ourselves.

Anyway, two main situations have bugged me over the last few years, which I talk about a fair bit. Possibly a bit too much, but I am trying my best to use these situations in the right way. Number 1 is my inability to form a relationship, Number 2 is my lack of career progress. These two are probably linked in some way, at least if what some books say is true, but that's by the by.

I've been trying and trying for the last six to seven years to solve this relationship issue, and I certainly relate to women a lot better than I used to, but the fear is still there. I'm more aware of certain things about myself which is good, but the progress has been so, so slow. I know there is a lot of hurt and heartache in regards to this part of my life, and it can be very painful when I come face to face with it. I was feeling down about all this today, and then I had a mini revelation - My feelings about being unlovable, that no woman will love me or want to be with me, that I don't know how to relate to women, and as such I've attracted situations that mirror this belief - have probably been subconsciously with me for over 20 years - and as they were not dealt with for such a long time - it's not likely to be an overnight fix. Perhaps I am making some progress after all. And I am going to have some inner child therapy hopefully soon, which will help I'm sure.

Another point to note is that we all work at our own pace. I sometimes think that other people would have done things quicker than me, but I am doing the best I can. Don't rush yourself. The important thing for me now is to be open to the universe and/or life as to how I can be healed. Healing is a constant process, I believe, we will never have our shit totally sorted in this lifetime.

So even though you may think 'This has gone on for ever, I can't do with it taking much longer, it will still take ages' - my advice is, keep going. The ego likes to take control of a situation in order to try and get it resolved in double quick time. It wants answers, such as why, how, what do I need to do etc. But sometimes, when there's a deep rooted issue, it takes time to get to the nitty gritty of things, and, even though it's hard to surrender the whole situation, it's the best thing to do. And sometimes it's hard to let go of certain things because they become a part of your identity, and we all know how hard it can be to let go of things that you identify with.

The other situation in my life that has taken up a lot of my emotional reserves (grin) is career. Partly because of my lack of confidence, I've been in some dead end jobs for a while, which haven't paid me particularly well. I've wanted to change careers, made some bad decisions, and now I feel constrained because of my lack of qualifications and comparisons to others, and I do fear stepping into a situation which could make things a bit scary financially. However, let's be honest, there's not much security nowadays, so why are we still so wrapped up in the perceived 'security' of the monthly wage slip? My last job ended up being a nightmare, said company have, at last, gone bust, and the directors deserve to be punished for how that company was run. My present job just doesn't suit me, too much multitasking, and it's leaving my head in a bit of a spin. I'm not totally sure what to do at present, I am currently thinking of looking for a job with a few less hours ...


It could be argued whether this statement is right or wrong. Let's consider it a moment. If you are fighting against the circumstances of your life, if you are saying 'no' to what is, if you are constantly wishing that things were better or that something had happened or not happened - then you will not believe that everything is as it should be. And maybe we could have done things differently so that our lives would have more abundance and good things. However, when you learn about the concept of living in the present moment, it becomes more apparent about the perfection of everything - all the mistakes you made, all the good choices you made, the regrets, the positives - have all combined to bring you to where you are NOW. And now is where life is lived. Even though I could have made different choices, even though I would have liked things to happen a bit quicker - I am beginning to recognise the perfection in everything - in how I can use everything for good - even my slow progress :)

Now I know that some 'spiritual' people might think that I shouldn't be worrying about relationships and career, but rather just living life in the present. And in the sense that is true. But these are important parts of life, so it's good to have a good relationship and career, and when these areas of life are in lack, it can cause suffering. Of course, it's all a symptom of a deeper issue, and I realise the need to love myself more. I am grateful for my spiritual beliefs that help me when times get tough. I am not perfect, I don't always live in the present moment, and I focus all too often on lack rather than abundance. In this sense, I am a work in progress.

I do want to be more present and live moment by moment, but I am not an enlightened being. I still have my hangups. As Rumi said 'Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it'. I look forward to discovering where life will take me in the coming months ... 

Maybe there is nothing to solve. I think it's time to just allow life to flow and become more connected to the source of love within myself. 


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