Sunday, 26 January 2014

Hoping to get clear on what I want

It is easy sometimes to be fixated on what is NOT happening in your life, what you do not have, and how generally shit your life is sometimes. And no amount of attempting to think/be more positive seems to make much of a difference.

Photo by Bannered-Mare - easy to feel this way sometimes..
I do think that whatever happens or does not happen, contains lessons we can learn, and reflects, on some level, our beliefs about ourselves and about life. And there's no point in trying to force things to change - it only breeds more frustration.

However, I also think it's good and healthy to want to change so that our lives can become more like what we truly want. Often times though, we don't really know exactly what it is we want, so life ends up happening to us by default. And even if we do have an idea of what we want, our fears and frustrations get the better of us.

Now, it is not necessarily easy to go for what we really want in life, and also there's a case for saying you should be flexible and allow life to bring you the unexpected at times. But, after 39 years of having fairly limited results in areas that are quite important to me, I am beginning to think that it's important to get really clear on what I want from life - and believe that I deserve it.



My lack of success in relationships and career thus far, have much to do with beliefs that I don't deserve these things. And it's important to really challenge these beliefs - although certainly not easy. Sometimes you have to take things slowly, whilst your impatient side (the ego) would like things to happen a lot quicker.

Outer reflects inner - whilst it's important not to rely on happiness from outer circumstances, at the same time, if your outer circumstances are not so great, chances are there is something about yourself that needs to be worked on. Because life/God wants the best for us.

SO .. WHAT DO I WANT?

This is a good way to live, don't ya think? 
I am now just starting the process of determining what I really want out of life. I don't want to live a so called 'normal' life, doing a job I don't particularly enjoy for too many hours a week and then retiring when my prime years are behind me (and there's every chance that the retirement age will be raised in the future). I want to write, that I know. I'm pretty sure I would like to lead workshops and be a spiritual teacher on some level. But there are certain things I am not 100% sure about. Plus the nagging thoughts of 'I won't earn money from this'.

Whilst I like some aspects of the single lifestyle, I don't want to be single forever. But I'm not entirely sure of the kind of relationship I want, and still am working through long standing issues of feeling unlovable - which I have projected onto other people in the past. I want to feel worthy of being able to give and receive love.

Also, I have lived in Yorkshire for 7 years and am thinking about whether I want to stay here long term or to move somewhere else. I am at the point now where I want to be somewhere I know I'm going to really settle for a good number of years, I love Yorkshire itself but don't like living in Leeds - would rather be near the Yorkshire Dales or near Harrogate. But also part of me would like to be near the coast again. So I want to have a good think about this.

The place to start is the heart. My heart knows what it wants from life, so I need to be able to silence the mind. At the same time, I want to be focused on my own beliefs and to focus on loving myself more. Happiness starts from within.

I do believe that if we want something really badly, it can happen. I totally knew in late 2006 that I wanted to move somewhere else so I visited Yorkshire a couple of times and quit my job, without having a job to go to in Yorkshire. In all honesty, I don't think I would do it the same way again. But it worked out - I knew it was something I had to do so nothing was going to stop me.

Now, if I could have the same desire and belief again .. wonderful things could happen. They may not happen overnight and it may take hard work .. but the question is, how badly do you want something?

Sending health and happiness to you all :)
Andy

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