Saturday, 29 November 2014

Going back to normal life .. my thoughts

It's strange. I'm not feeling the grief that I thought I might be feeling. Not yet anyway. There will probably be some bad days ahead at some point. But at the moment I think Antony would want me to enjoy my life and do the things I enjoy, have the relationship and career that I want - and of course, if I had been the one that died, I would want my family and friends to do well in life. It's kind of strange that sometimes our hearts can become more open when tragic events occur (and of course the opposite can be true too, people can close down when they lose a loved one). It's definitely making me look a bit more closely at myself, and particularly some of the things I don't like so much about myself and some of the fears I've had, and wishing some things could have been different .. and maybe there is some blaming myself and thinking why did things have to happen as they did .. but in myself I feel quite strong at the moment so just have to trust the bigger picture - and whatever feelings I have, good or bad, I will let them come and go. 

Some of Antony's and my friends at the pub
From my perspective, it was obviously a bit of a shock when I first heard about Antony's death. Whether it was quite as much a surprise .. I don't know .. certain strange things have happened in my life which meant that, on some level, I had a bit of an idea that something like this could happen, but I wasn't 'expecting' it, if you know what I mean. I am very grateful for the support I have had and also grateful for the support my Mum has had. I know that Antony had some cool friends who I can keep in touch with via Facebook. 

One thing that I can now see definitely had to happen is me leaving Christianity, which was now nearly 9 years ago. It was a hellish process and one which I wouldn't wish on anyone, but I don't think I could have coped with Antony's death if I was still involved in fundamentalist religion. It's sad that God is still given such a bad name by certain harmful beliefs which originally stemmed from man's violence and separation from God. 

I am now on my way back to Huddersfield. I don't know whether I'll end up staying there or moving somewhere else .. who knows .. but I wish I had moved to Huddersfield years earlier, to be honest, instead of staying in Leeds. It's a great place to live. My Dad has said that there is no great need for me to move back down south, so, I likely won't. Just open to whatever happens. The one thing I do know is that I'm going to have to change careers, so my writing is probably going to take a bit of a back seat. One thing I know even more is that life is too short to be doing work that pushes you to your limits - and sadly, stressful jobs seem to be all too commonplace nowadays. I moaned about some of my previous jobs but I can honestly say I would go back to them in a heartbeat now. Certainly any of the jobs I did from 2008 backwards. People still need to pay the bills, but work environments that used to be okay have gotten very stressful in the aftermath of the recession - which I believe affected work environments to a massive extent. But hopefully there is still a way forward for me to do work I enjoy which pays the bills, whatever that may be - just need to find it. 

As you may know, it is my 40th birthday soon. It will be a bit weird but hopefully I will enjoy it. My parents are picking me up and we're going to Scotland next weekend to see some relatives on my Dad's side of the family who I haven't seen for years - which should be good. 

Until later

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