Friday, 26 December 2014

A post with no name .. from London

Well hello,

I'm in Starbucks, at Victoria train station, whilst I am waiting for a coach to take me back to Huddersfield. A little bit of sleep will follow and tomorrow I'm travelling to Scotland and staying three nights. Hopefully a change of scenery will do me good.

So as I write this, I am at a period of great uncertainty. I am finding it quite difficult to meditate at present, as my mind seems to have quite a bit of tension underneath the surface. Christmas has (thankfully) been and gone, and New Year's Eve (which I much prefer) is around the corner. I don't believe in the term 'new year's resolutions' but I do think it's a good idea to have some aims and plans in preparation for a fresh year.

I don't really know how the year is going to pan out for me, and I kind of think that I need to take it as it comes. I haven't been able to fully take in Antony's death yet, partly because it would likely be too much for me to do so. It's a process.

I want 2015 to be the year I finally meet the woman I am supposed to be with - I've had to work through a lot of 'stuff' and I still have fears around love .. but I am going to have to face them. However, I don't want to be so focused on that, that I miss the one relationship I'll always have .. with myself. I want to love myself more and learn to be happier by myself, to live life to the fullest, whatever my relationship status or how many friends I have.

And it is so easy to focus on externals .. particularly relationships and career. But sometimes, life will remove those things so that you can really get stripped to the bare bones and find out more about yourself. I need some time out from work, in fact I probably have done for a while. I don't know what my next career move is going to be and I certainly have things I need to face about myself when it comes to careers and money.

One thing I have learnt is that you cannot force anything to happen. I have times when I'm envious of people who are doing things I would like to do, and I can feel hard on myself for not having enough charisma and confidence.

Talk to you soon.

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