Tuesday, 16 December 2014

When your back's against the wall

From Pinterest
Well, I didn't realise quite how prophetic the poem I wrote on Sunday would be! I am now officially in the unknown - and even though it was the right thing to do, I am certainly coming up against some pretty big fears and emotions right now. And it's important not to push them away or to try and make them any less intense. At the same time, I feel it's important to 'live in the present moment' as much as I can. This is not easy, as years of conditioning have assisted in most of us forming certain beliefs about the world, about money, about work etc. Eckhart Tolle said that, for a period, he sat on park benches in a state of the most intense joy, at a time in his life of great uncertainty. I don't know if I'll ever reach that level, nor am I going to attempt to, but it sure makes life a little bit easier if you focus on the present moment rather than fret about the future.

One day a time. That is my mantra at the moment.

Hard times certainly make you notice and appreciate things that you can easily take for granted - for example, the ground beneath your feet, the people walking along the street, the sheet on your bed .. and perhaps most of all, it helps you realise the value of friendships. I've never had many really close friendships, but I know that there are some people who I can talk to and who can help me when I'm not at my best.

So anyway, whilst it's not worth looking too far into the future right now, I want to do things that are more in line with who I am. The last two years have finally taken their toll on me, to the extent where I just could not do what I was doing, any more. Life kind of pushed me. I haven't really had the chance to properly grieve my brother's death, and maybe now, I will be able to start to do so. As I have already mentioned to people, I do believe he's in a good place and hopefully watching over me, my family and his friends.

It's easy to think, when things go wrong, that life is against you, that you'll never make it, that you have it harder than most people, that God has abandoned you, you name it. But your reaction when you are at your lowest could determine your future. That's not to say you repeat affirmations like 'Life is wonderful', 'I have an abundance of wealth', 'I am amazing' - saying 'super positive' things when circumstances are hard is a bit like trying to heal a physical illness by saying 'I am healthy. Now.' It just doesn't work. It's better, in my opinion, to say something like 'Even though I have no idea what's happening, I trust that life is watching over me, and that the hardships could lead to better times than I could have imagined.'

That's about it for now. Until later.

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