Friday, 30 January 2015

Letting go - Desire and fear based beliefs

Letting go - saying goodbye to old 'stuff'
and welcoming in the new. 
This could be part of a series of posts on the subject of letting go. So anyway, I am doing a course with a meditation group I go to, and thought patterns that have been holding me back for years are starting to shift. It's not an instantaneous process and certainly not without its challenges, but it's very, very worthwhile.

How many of you have or have had a desire for something that becomes a craving, and you just don't seem to be able to get that elusive thing? One of the most common things that falls into this category is a relationship, and the desire for a relationship and lack of said thing has been consuming me for years. At the same time, I've had a number of fears around love - fear of rejection and fear of intimacy to put it in more simple terms - which I've found hard to face.

It doesn't really matter what that 'thing' you desire is - it could be weight loss, it could be a good career, it could be to have children, the list goes on. Hopefully this post should apply whatever the thing is.

Let's start with a quote from an excellent book I've been reading by David R Hawkins called 'Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender'.
'The main illusion is seen in the statement, "The only way that I'll get what I want is by desiring it; if I let go of my desire, then I won't get what I want.' 
This is so true and it's one of the ways the mind operates. 'If I don't push hard to get what I want, if I don't have a burning desire for something, if I just let go of this thing that I want, I will never get it.' How many of you can relate? Some more quotes from the aforementioned book:

'The desiring was actually the obstacle to its achievement or acquisition. This is because desire literally means 'I do not have'. In other words, if we say that we desire something, we are saying that it isn't ours. 
The impossible becomes possible as soon as we are totally surrendered. This is because wanting blocks receiving it and results in a fear of not getting it. The energy of desire is, in essence, a denial that what we want is ours for the asking.' 

So, what does mean to be 'surrendered' or to let go? Anyone who's been involved with the spiritual or self-help movement for a while will have heard these phrases mentioned. Sometimes, people make them sound simpler than they are. In my experience at least, 'letting go' is a difficult process, although that's not to say it has to be. Some people might be able to access a level of consciousness where they can let go of their hurts pretty quickly. But, it's probably true that for a fair majority of people, letting go is not instantaneous. The reason for this is because many emotions have been suppressed over a period of time, culminating in potentially a number of negative beliefs and fears - and, for me, it's taken a good while to face some of the fears I have about relationships. I've been spending years trying to work things out in my head, and it hasn't worked. It's like my course leader Helen says - 'the mind fighting against itself'. The way a lot of people react to a situation or fear or thought pattern that isn't what they want, is to fight against it, to try and think more positively.

Whilst a level of positive thinking is certainly good, you can't positive think your way out of suppressed emotion and deep seated fears. The only thing that seems to be working for me is to be open to discovering and facing my fears and beliefs around love (and there are too many to bother going into too much detail) and to allow any pain and emotion to come, without resistance - and also to be honest with myself around my fear based beliefs. Allow yourself to give as much time as necessary to face what needs to be faced. It's not a simple process to explain, but you know when you are ready to face your demons. The reason why people push their emotions away is because they are scared that the pain would be too much if they fully faced them. The important thing is - when a difficult emotion or a seemingly unwanted situation comes - don't fight against it. Resistance is futile, as they say. A difficult situation is made more difficult when we push it away and suppress it. All our pain has a message, if we are willing to listen to it.

Usually, when you desire something, there is a 'push pull' - part of you really wants something, and another part of you is scared of it. Desire in relationship terms is a pretty horrible trait and can lead to attachment and neediness - something I want to let go of once and for all. Sometimes people say that you need to get to a place where you would be happy if you didn't get the thing you wanted - and it's good to live life to the full as much as you can with what you have - connect with friends, do things that you have been putting on hold until your desire is fulfilled - and aren't we all guilty of the latter? I have even thought that, if I was to go travelling for a few months - something I've kind of fancied doing - that I would lessen my chances of meeting someone. The reality is, if you do the things you really want to do, you will have just as much or even more chance of your desires being fulfilled. With the travel thing, money is also an issue for me there, so it may happen, it may not, I just want to flow with life as best I can.

Once you start letting go, it doesn't mean that things magically change overnight, but it does mean that you'll become more attractive as a person and that people will want to be around you. You will stop fighting against 'what is' and work with your life situation rather than against it. It becomes easier to give your life story a more positive meaning. You will meet new friends and become more open to love. It means that you still would like something to happen, but are more relaxed about it, and you trust that life/God will bring you the right people and right situations at the right time.

There are other things that I will need to face - I have consciously not faced too much emotional stuff around my brother's death yet, but I trust that will happen when I'm ready to do so. Also I need to face my emotional eating .. but hey don't we all have lots of stuff that isn't perfect. This year is going to be a very powerful year, I feel. I think a number of us are going to be going through a lot of letting go and being honest with ourselves.



  1. This is so apt for me, Andy. I've had triggers that are making me see as clear as anything where I'm not surrendering in relationships. I hope I can keep letting go and surrendering. :)


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