Thursday, 1 January 2015

New Year Blues


It's New Year's Day 2015 and I'm sat in Costa feeling quite sad, feeling like I could cry. I've had a bit of a comedown after a time away, and am now back at home on my own in a town that I love, but am kind of wondering what I am doing here, now that I don't have a job.

Yes it's winter, well and truly .. photo from 2013 in Burnsall
The feeling of loneliness scares me somewhat, particularly as I am in quite a vulnerable position at present. Plus I don't enjoy winter, although I still try and get outdoors as much as possible, whatever the time of year.

I was listening to a video last night (here is the link) where Sonia Choquette was being interviewed by Lilou Mace. For those who don't know, Sonia Choquette is a well known spiritual teacher who has written books on intuition and asking your guides, amongst other things. People looked up to her (as indeed they do to many spiritual teachers, I think the term is 'putting on a pedestal'). Not so long ago, she lost one of her brothers, and her father, within the space of six weeks, and soon afterwards, her marriage ended.

She mentions that some friends were not so supportive of her during the tough times, and that some people had the expectation that because she is a well known teacher and spiritual leader, that she should have been able to be positive and get through it - and that the spiritual pathway can be seen as something that can shield us from difficult things - 'This shouldn't happen to someone like you' kinda stuff. But, it can and it does.

The spiritual pathway is not a gateway to heaven on earth for the rest of your life. You can try to positive think your way out of grief, out of heartbreak, out of trauma - but sometimes, you just need to 'go through the process'. Positive thinking, to me, isn't the absence of what's perceived as 'negative' - but more a case of being present through the tough times. The avoidance of pain and grief is rife in our society, particularly in the UK, where people are expected to put on the mask of 'I'm fine'. The amount of collective pain in our society which has not been properly faced and dealt with is scary.
A good way to spend 2015 ..

I do, however, believe that the pathway I'm on will help me face my feelings and emotions at the right time, without overwhelming me. One thing I really struggle with is when one thing piles on top on another - which is a big part of the reason I couldn't cope with my job any more - and as I mentioned in another post, I've already faced a hell of a lot during my 40 years on earth, and I genuinely think that it's a miracle I'm still alive in some ways. So to deal with grief could overwhelm me if I'm not careful. But I know and trust that everything will happen when it happens and that I will be okay.

The New Year was a bit of an anti-climax for me, but I'm okay with that. It's so easy to make a massive thing out of New Year and say that 'this will be the year for change' - and then two weeks later, get stuck in 'reality' again. I think the key is to take small steps and not expect too much. With this in mind, I hope you have a good year and I hope I do too, as much as I can.

1 comment:

  1. Big hugs Andy, you're doing so well and it's so natural to have an anti-climax after a trip away. After my dad died, coming home was the hardest part of grief but very essential. It's important to allow grief without the distractions of activity as tough as it is. With your brother, your job.. it's all grief in different forms. It might be worthwhile getting a decent book on moving through the stages of grief so you know how normal it is when your moods change and the feelings become hard.


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