Tuesday, 10 February 2015

What I've learnt this year .. so far

This year is proving to be a year of fairly rapid personal growth, so far. It's been almost 3 months since Antony died, and almost 2 months since I quit my most recent job. A month ago, I started a course which is proving to be the catalyst for changing my life. This month, it's Valentine's Day .. maybe love will be in the air for me soon, maybe, who knows :) I've never been that big on V-Day, and have never felt sorry for myself on February 14th, because - well it's just another day, and every day should be about love, right? But this year, I'm almost getting into all the hype. I'm going to a party in Leeds on Saturday night which involves dancing, gong baths, love potions, meeting people, facepainting, massages, good food and drink .. and I think that it will be the best thing I've ever done on February 14th, certainly a lot better than some of these Anti Valentine's Day singles parties which I feel are almost another way of making people feel sorry for themselves.

I think death has a way of helping people open their heart. You can go one of two ways - you can close your heart and feel upset at God or life at what has been taken away - or you can choose to open your heart and find deeper meaning in the madness. What a lot of people don't know is that I've already been through immense grief in my life, through having two hellish breakdowns, and it was a bit of a miracle that I came out the other side. Perhaps one of the reasons I survived is that God/life knew that Antony was going to die young, I don't know. In a sense, perhaps I'd already done a lot of the grieving. Also, I had been through hell at times during the last two years of my working life, and was pretty close to breaking point through overwork and stress when I heard that Antony had passed. To feel the grief that some people feel when a loved one dies would have been too much for me. Also, it was probably a little easier to deal with things having lived away from my family for a while. I still feel that Yorkshire is the right place for me to be.

The course I'm doing .. oh wow, what can I say. This is helping to shift belief patterns that have been lodged in my subconscious for years, and made me realise how much I was fighting against myself. The mind fights against itself, and the way it does is through resistance. Let's say you have an unwanted thought pattern which you'd like to see change. For me, a big one was to do with relationships - as you will probably know, I've had a number of blocks when it comes to love. I've tried for years to change them, but more to change them to what my ego wanted. It just doesn't work. And then the mind resists these negative thought patterns by thinking 'This has to change', 'I should be doing better', and the ultimate one 'I can't do this'. And the mind cannot solve your problems.

The only way to transcend thought patterns and layers of negative emotions is to be aware of your thoughts and emotions, without judgement, not wishing for them to be different, not trying frantically to solve them. Things that bring up negative emotions are not who you really are. You have to face your deepest fears and pain in order to break through, but you can only do it when you are ready. The key, for me, is to realise how your mind reacts to a potentially problematic situation - for example:

I'm on benefits at the moment, and not sure quite what my next career move will be. My mind can come up with all kinds of thoughts like:
- I'll have to go back to work I'll hate one day.
- I can't think of what the heck I want to do next.
- I'll end up on benefits for years and I don't want that.
- I'm less of a man because I haven't had a solid career.

.. and the list goes on. Fortunately, I'm able to be able to take a bit of much needed time out right now, but the uncertainty regarding career can make me a little uncomfortable. I need to get in touch with the various ways I feel about this situation and the things I find difficult about it - and accept how I feel, allow the emotion to be there as long as it needs to be - and trust that things will work out for my highest good.

We have accumulated a lot of suppressed emotions during our lifetime, and there will be layer upon layer of stuff that comes up to be healed. But once we accept whatever comes up, without resisting it, things become a lot easier. Anyhow, that's all for now .. I hope you enjoyed reading this.


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