Sunday, 10 May 2015

The unknown .. musings

It's not easy going on the road less travelled. I have stuck to the safest path possible in the past .. going for jobs I did not want just so that I could survive. There comes a time when you get pushed into doing something different and you cannot turn back .. I knew that, after my most recent job, which was the worst of the lot, I had to make some sort of change.

I did not know what. My brother had recently died too, so I was in a very uncertain place. I knew I had to quit my job for the sake of my health. When I did so, I knew that things were not going to be easy over the coming weeks and months - I'd been unemployed before, and never found it particularly easy. I received an unexpected blessing with a tax rebate just after Christmas, and also my parents gave me a 40th birthday of a holiday, which I spent in beautiful Austria.

However, finances are low now, and I am very restricted because of this. Too much of the benefit money I get goes on bills, and the bank charges me overdraft fees at the start of the month, which never helps. I am managing to just about stay afloat, but am seriously learning how to live on a budget. £10 to last me four days is what I've had recently - it is day by day living. Sometimes, I can go a few days without meeting anyone. I always go out of the house, every single day, otherwise I would go nuts, and spending time in nature is a godsend.

I am getting a little more idea of what I might want to do now, but I often wish I could have had more of an idea of what to do with my life when I was younger. If I'd known about the spiritual pathway I'm on now, perhaps my life would have been easier. Christianity definitely played it's part - without some form of religion/spirituality in my life at all, I'm not sure if I'd still be here today. But the time came when I had to move on.

Uncertainty is not easy. I don't enjoy it - at least, my mind does not enjoy it. My spiritual beliefs make things a little easier to deal with - without them, I would be in panic. The vast majority of UK citizens would not be able to deal very well with the situation I am in at present - and neither would I, a few years ago.

I don't like asking for help, and it is probably more difficult to ask for help when you're a man, as men are culturally expected to pull themselves up by the bootstraps. Also, it's not always easy to find someone who will truly listen to you without giving you well meaning but poor advice. Sometimes I don't really know what my purpose on Planet Earth is. Sometimes, it's hard to see how things will ever change. I have found my way out of more difficult situations before, so there's always hope. But part of me is just getting fed up with the seemingly constant struggles of life. Hopefully, I will make it to the other side.


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