Friday, 11 December 2015

Post 41st birthday musings

And I don't look a day over .. oh okay, I'm in my forties now.
This is one of these days where I want to write something but not sure exactly what I am going to say. Ok, I have some idea .. but let's see where it goes.

I have recently celebrated my 41st birthday. Had a great time with my friends. I am very blessed with the friendship connections I have made this year. This is possibly the best thing to come out of 2015. Other than that, it's not been an easy year. I still struggle with a lot of the same things, but I'm starting to accept myself a bit more. It is not always easy, though. 

It's hard when the things I crave seem out of reach, and I can't seem to stop my cravings and desires. I can't seem to overcome my fears, no matter what I try and do. It's hard when one of the things I would supposedly like the most comes hidden under some of my biggest fears. The subconscious mind sometimes seems like a bit of an insurmountable beast that is trying to hold me back.

I still worry about the future and regret the past. 

I have felt lethargic and deflated far more often than I would have liked, and I hope one day this will stop or at least lessen. Or maybe it won't. 

Perhaps the biggest questions I ask about myself can be grouped under this question - 'Why am I not healed yet or why I haven't got over certain things or thought patterns?' There isn't really a concrete answer to this, and searching for an answer will probably only cause further conflict. Sometimes, it seems like - whatever we try to do or even not do - these same thought patterns persist and there's very little we can do about them. 

I have always thought that we need to work on ourselves in order to grow and in order to resolve our issues. I still think it's important to go within and face our fears and emotional stuff. But it's easy to approach our issues with a degree of violence - I certainly know this as I have been guilty - from a standpoint of:
'This thing has got to be fixed or I won't be able to have what I want'. 
'I need to sort my shit out right now (or I should have sorted it out years ago). 

You might well have discovered by now that this way of thinking doesn't solve a great deal. 

What I'm learning (although still struggling to put into practice) is that your issues are not asking to be healed. They are asking to be befriended. Pain is not asking to be pushed away. It is asking to be felt and heard. Without guarantee or attachment as to what will happen. 

This doesn't mean we shouldn't have preferences. It's only natural to want a certain situation to turn out in a particular way. But if it doesn't, it's not the end of the world, is what I'm trying to say. I know I've been overly attached to things working out a certain way, and it's not an easy thing to change.

I still have issues that are not easy to live with. I would certainly have preferred it if life had turned out slightly differently. I'm not one for saying 'Everything happens for a reason, see the blessing in everything, always be positive'. There may well be blessings. But sometimes, things are just plain difficult.

Acceptance is not denying that life can be bloody difficult and is not emotional detachment. Sometimes we just have to accept that our issues will not magically disappear and that the only way to best deal with them is to face what you fear. Accept that you feel shit. So often we try to fight our true feelings by way of positive thinking and even affirmations - and I still stand by the belief that some forms of 'positive thinking' or 'self-awareness' are subtle ways of trying to avoid emotional pain.

Trying to control things is a form of resistance. I am not sure where life is going at the moment but I hope I am able to be open minded about what lies ahead.

Until later

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