Thursday, 6 October 2016

Barcelona blogging .. what's on my mind?

I have had the opportunity to visit this wonderful city for a week, and any of you who have been to Barcelona will probably understand what I mean when I say it's one of the best places on earth. A couple of photos here to start you off :)

It's also been an opportunity to really focus on myself a bit. It's very clear that some external changes need to be made in my life as I am stuck in a bit of a rut at the moment .. but it's easy to focus on externals and ignore the internal changes that need to be made.

The inside is where it all starts. Over the last few years, I have been doing my best to heal from the horrible things that life has thrown at me. Mostly on my own - particularly because I don't have that much money and want a social life before seeing a therapist, and partly because I don't find it easy to ask for help. And also, there is the invaluable resource of books and the Internet. I don't know what I would do without these. The wisdom I have gained through these resources is immense.

As I have probably said before, the most important thing I've learnt is that we have to befriend the parts of ourselves we don't like, if we are to be truly free. This is still easier said than done for me. The fear of rejection and issues I have around relationships have been incredibly difficult to deal with at times, and I had a mini meltdown a couple of days ago. Sometimes the only thing we can do is to say to ourselves, something like .. I hate this, I fucking hate this, I wish I wasn't like this, I'm fed up of trying to be positive .. but I'm going to allow all these feelings to be here as best I can.

Trying to ignore or deny a perpetual problem will only mean that it crops up again, sometimes at a greater intensity than before. Some of this positive thinking stuff does a great disservice to humanity. Trying to be positive when there is deep sadness within you is admirable in some ways, but it doesn't really work. The one thing to remember, which some Law of Attraction teachers would not have you believe, is that: it's not wrong to be sad, and it doesn't make you a lesser person than the one who is happy all the time (at least, according to their Facebook posts).
What matters is what you do with the sadness when it comes up. Most people will push it away, fight against, run away from it, or use coping mechanisms such as alcohol, drugs and food. Sometimes, when emotions get super intense, a coping mechanism can be necessary for your own safety.
But we must do our best to not push the difficult stuff away.

To ignore that we have an issue means that we will never fully heal from it - as much as we might wish it wasn't there. So be honest with yourself.

One thing I need to do right now is trust life. Life has never been particularly stable since I moved to Yorkshire - I have never really had a secure job in the almost 10 years I've been here, and my financial situation has been a little precarious at times .. but I have always had enough, and occasionally have managed to live on less money than I would have thought possible. But I don't want to go on living the life I'm living. I need more adventure. I have known for years that the 9 to 5 world does not suit me, but at the same time I've not really known what my purpose is. It is time to follow my heart, and to continue to heal and trust that life will work out.

That's all for now folks. Until next time....

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