Monday, 10 October 2016

Feeling behind in life

A familiar acquaintance has been visiting me recently. The old voice of 'you're behind most people in life'. 'Life' in this case, mainly refers to my biggies, romantic relationships, career and money, which I've droned on about plenty before, so if you have seen many of my posts, you may know the score. That said, friendships have definitely been on the up in the last two years, in terms of both quality and quantity - I don't need lots of friends but I have probably more than ever before. And I am still writing well. So there are some positives.

I definitely was a late developer. As I have probably said before, I was in my own world at school, and it's something of a miracle that I still keep in touch with some people from my school year. I was badly lacking in confidence for a long time, hiding under an umbrella called religion, which was big enough to hold me for a while but when the storm came, I was left alone. After leaving Christianity, I moved up north in my early 30s, and only really started to learn any sort of social skills after that, and even that took a little while.
I can tell you, it's been a difficult pathway at times to recover from my slow start, and certainly not a pathway for the faint hearted. Whilst part of me trusts that there's a deeper meaning behind things, I sometimes can feel quite upset about it all.

Whilst it's easy to say things like 'Trust your journey', 'You are exactly where you need to be', or 'Everything you have been through has prepared you for your destiny' - sometimes, when your finances are in a bit of a fucked up state or you feel stuck in a quandary, it can be hard to hear those words.

It's very easy to compare our life to others - and if, like me, you have lived a fairly unconventional life, it's difficult to know which part of society you fit in. Possibly the only logical conclusion to make is that you weren't born to fit in.
As some wise person said 'We compare the worst of ourselves with the best of others' - or, if we have a particularly strong ego, we might compare the best of ourselves with the worst of others :)
I guess we all want to belong, and sometimes I have felt very alone on my journey - for example, many people on the 'spiritual' journey seem to have had successful or well paid careers before they 'branched out' - I never have.

Our search for a solution to a particular issue can become part of the problem. Sometimes, for me at least, the best thing I can do is allow myself to feel however I feel about something, and not try and make things different. We are not wrong to feel however we feel. I would certainly have preferred it if certain things had been different - but we only have the present in which to live.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing your journey so far with us, Andy. Keep going, eh, keep going!... :-)


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