Monday, 20 March 2017

Am I going to start writing again? Acceptance. And a few things about me ..

Hi folks,

This last year, writing has not been a creative outlet that I have felt compelled to use too often. As I'm sure I said before, I needed to take a bit of time away from writing, to 'discover' myself a bit more, as it were.
Without doubt, the biggest life lesson this last year has been about accepting EVERY part of me. After years of trying to fix myself and wishing I had my shit sorted, it kind of dawned on me that this tactic doesn't really get your shit sorted.
As the excellent Jeff Foster says - 'your problems are not there to be healed, they are there to be held'. Whilst there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel better, if we approach things from the perspective of 'This thing needs fixing - NOW' (or needs fixing 10 years ago :) ) then those pesky little monkeys are likely to stay with you.
So I've had to learn to cultivate more of the following attitudes and realisations:
- OK, I don't like this, but this is how it is.
- I feel so inadequate in this part of my life, but, maybe, I can accept it and allow however I feel.
- Acceptance that my personality is very sensitive and that I can and often do get wound up very easily. This is hard.
- Even when I feel utterly pissed off and feel like giving up, that doesn't mean that I've failed. I just need to get up again.

I still have bad days, and times where I've just had enough. Times where the things I say to myself are not particularly nice. Times when I resist and fight against what is happening in the present moment.

But, this is part of my journey. It's unlikely I'm ever going to be the most super positive person in town. But I don't think that life gives you a higher score just because you are able to be in a state of bliss all the time. Sadness is all part of the journey, and, perhaps, if people were able to accept their own sadness and the sadness of others, the world would be a better place.

Anyway .. that's a few musings.
Everything that happens on your life journey is about you in some way. I am really starting to appreciate that focusing on the internal first is a game changer. I'm not saying ignore all the external situations in your life, but your reaction to whatever is happening in your life can help determine your future.
As I face unemployment again, I hope this time that I will find a job pretty quick. But I have noticed a difference in how I am facing things this time. It's easy to focus on 'I don't have a job, I need a job, it's so haaaaarrrrrd' and there are times when I wobble a bit, but I am starting to become more aware of my perspective towards not being employed. Things to consider are:
- How am I seeing unemployment? What lessons can I learn right now?
- How easily can I let go of expectations?

Anyhow, a few random facts about me.
- I do indeed get wound up and highly strung very easily, and any impression I give of being calm is not really true when I'm on my own.
- I love my friends and feel blessed to have made some great connections in the last year or two. However, I will also end friendships without much guilt or warning if I feel they have run their course or if there are differences which are going to be hard to resolve.
- I get infuriated by people telling me one thing and doing another. It's usually pretty obvious to me if someone wants me in their life or not.
- I am a highly sensitive person. This is a mixed blessing to say the least and I don't feel I have quite accepted that part of myself in some ways. And whatever people say, it is particularly hard being sensitive when you are a man.
- So this leads on to one thing I feel strongly about - men and mental health. Men are still afraid to speak out on how they feel, and this sure needs to change. I believe there are a fair few more men struggling than would seem obvious.
- My favourite genres of music are classical, rock, blues and disco. I could not be without music for too long.

At Bamburgh beach - my favourite place in the world.

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