Friday, 5 May 2017

Unemployment sucks

I have to admit, I have been pretty downbeat this week. More so than usual. It's been the kind of week where it's been hard to see any positivity. A very convenient bout of illness which kept me in bed from Sunday afternoon until Monday afternoon, plus the dreaded lethargy which has reared its head the last couple of days, has not helped.

But it's more this continuing spell of unemployment that is bugging me. I am becoming more and more convinced that getting my last job - one of the first I'd applied for at that time after taking some time out - was truly some sort of divine miracle. Perhaps it was what I needed back then. But oh, I wish it could have been just as easy this time.

I hit a bit of a new low on Wednesday by missing an interview I'd travelled a bit of a distance to. The venue (which, honestly, was in a very grotty part of Leeds) was closed and I could not open the door. I thought I might have been scammed and drove back to Huddersfield feeling annoyed. I later found that the interview invitation had said 'Please use the buzzer at the side gate' or words to that effect. But, with those instructions being below the part of the invitation I read, I missed them. I was absolutely livid and stressed. I am a bit funny anyway when it comes to venue entrances being unclear - and really, I would expect an interview venue to be easy to access without the need for any instructions - and also, depending on the layout of an email, I can easily miss certain things if they are not obviously stated and unmissable.

The only possible positive I can gain from that fiasco is that perhaps that job was not meant for me.


I just want to get out of this whole process now. I absolutely loathe searching for and applying for jobs - if I could, I would delegate someone else to do it for me. It really is something I dislike. I have hardly ever applied for jobs whilst I've been in work - it takes up a fair bit of energy and I need to preserve my mental health as best I can.

Plus it brings it home more markedly than usual just how much of a mess my career has been. Lack of confidence, mental health issues, personality traits and having no idea where I was going have been some of the reasons why I have drastically underachieved in the workplace. The recession badly bit me too.

However, I have never really been cut out for the nature of the 9 to 5 world, which is maybe why I've settled for jobs that are probably below my capabilities. I do find it hard to work long hours - at least, if I'm doing something I'm not passionate about. I need to somehow find a better way - which will probably be a case of - find a job to keep me going and pay my bills for the while, and work on my passions outside of work.

Life lessons

I have had bouts of unemployment interspersed between jobs, some of which have been very stressful jobs. Work stress is one of the most horrible things I have ever been through and I would not wish it on anyone. I truly think work stress is worse than being unemployed and I hope it never happens to me again.

I have made some costly mistakes which have seen me at the Jobcentre more often than I would have liked over the last seven years. My mind has the occasional freakout that I'll be out of work long term again, that I'll never have a decent career, that I'll struggle in the coming years.

I have to be honest, I hoped I would never be back at the Jobcentre again. I feel sick and tired of being in the same unwanted situation. I really don't want to 'accept' this particular situation. It sucks. It brings up all kinds of negative emotions.

I'm not going to say something super spiritual like 'There are lessons to be learnt from being unemployed. Accept and embrace them'. Because, at this moment in time, I'm not sure I can. The only thing I can accept is the exact way I feel - even if it is a bit of a case of pissed off, despondent and frustrated.

At the end of the day, perhaps the lesson is to accept exactly where you are at.

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